It seems I was born queer. As a child, my bowl cut and fair skin often left people unsure of my gender. My love for dresses, dolls, and all things beautiful only deepened this confusion. Yet in my early years, life kindly allowed these misunderstandings to exist. I was protected by the innocence of childhood for a time.

​

As I grew, the truths of life began to unfold—truths that felt harsh to a young heart. I have half-siblings from both sides of my family, and I am my father’s illegitimate child. These facts weighed on me, making me feel small. In those vulnerable years, I often had to hide my father’s signature, pretending we shared the same last name.

​

As I explored the reality of family and marriage, I realized I wasn’t attracted to girls. In my society and especially my family, this was a monumental issue. My parents, raised in rural areas with a limited education, had never heard the word “homosexual.” To them, I was like an undiscovered land—one that was shameful and hard to accept.

​

It took me a long time to accept my parents’ rejection. I try not to blame them, because I see the larger forces that influence them—societal demons that turn love into conflict. During this time, I cried many tears. Tears of envy for those with open-minded families, of frustration at life’s unfairness, and of acceptance as I learned to let go.

​

Yet each time my tears dried, my vision grew clearer. I began to understand my purpose. Queer people, women, people of color—we’re all trapped in closets of one kind or another. As I struggle, countless others struggle too. So, Richard, you need to break these cages first, to help others break free. Do you feel the same as you read this?

​

There’s so much more I want to share. If you have a story of your own or a challenge you’re facing, feel free to reach out. I am always here for you.

​

chenshaotian1204@163.com